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M31 Life went sideways and I’m terrified! Need Advice!

2022.01.28 03:50 Notoriousgod9210 M31 Life went sideways and I’m terrified! Need Advice!

Hi everyone. This may be a winded post but I need to vent and get this out and see what type of advice i can get. So here my story in the past 3 years
So after 9 years of addiction going back and forth on opiates like oxy,heroin,opanas to subs to 10-60 days clean back to opiates then back on subs..then tried being prescribed subs which let to my largest relapse of a 6 month H binge bc I was scared id never come off sub as crazy as that sounds (you can’t sustain a life on heroin so I knew I’d fall to my knees and it took 6 months of daily use) you get the picture..vicious cycle.
Anyway I went to rehab and got clean January 23rd of 2019…this past 23rd would have been my third year but I relapsed. Life was tough clean but I felt like I had beaten it. After just under a year and the most depressing month of my life (December 2019) I met a girl, got a job, and had set up a lease to move out in March pre covid. My gf was amazing she got me this little chip even tho I don’t go to AA/NA for my 1 year and I knew she was the one….she is not an addict btw and I wanted that way I wanted to be as far away from drugs as I could get.
After my 30th bday in august of 2020 I tried Kratom. All these local pantrys near me started stocking them and I didn’t touch them the first time I noticed but one day I felt depressed and wanted them and I succumbed to it. I got super high off opms gold extract and at that point I knew that down the road this would not be good. I woke something up in my brain. I started very casually using Kratom sometimes I’d go a full month of more but summer of 2021 I relapsed on 30s. They are so expensive now that even a rich person couldn’t sustain the addiction.
Anyway..even with that I was able to stop and get back to normal where I’m not withdrawaling physically but mentally I was going downhill fast until one bender in July was long enough where I felt like I needed subutex and I knew a guy (who I wasn’t even supposed to meet or know he had these things).
Long story short I used them under my gfs nose a lot, tried to get off but relapsed on pills again and realized I had spent a ridiculous amount of money in such a short period of time. I was lost, almost suicidal. Didn’t really care at that point about possibly seeing a doctor to be on subutex to attempt to go through life and my job (which I’m not doing well in and haven’t been since voice started my lazy tendencies came out of me and I took advantage also I just do not like the job it’s not me and I don’t want to be in sales I don’t really know what I’m doing and I don’t think I want to be in this anymore but I went to college for this and I don’t really have any idea where else I would go with my career and it’s really hard to make a change when you know you’d have to start all over.
Honestly this is part of the reason I started using drugs to begin with my identity is so fucked up I don’t know how I can be useful in this world and once the high of having a gf And moving into my own spot and getting this job wore off that’s when things got dicey.
Even though I was only using for a couple months it was too much and about 3 weeeks ago I decided to see a doctor to get subs and hate sub doctors they are assholes. I wrote something about this and they haven’t changed at all since then and that was over four years ago. This whole thing is a racket with the subs doctors none of them take insure you have to pay cash and they just take your money and give you dependent drugs and hope you stay a customer indefinitely it makes me sick to my stomach when I really think about it.
Anyway, I know if I keep doing this that they will become near impossible to come off of and I will wind up being a 50 year old addict hating my life wanting to die especially because I’m almost there now I feel like I had it beat and was never gonna have to deal with this again and here I am and that causes me to wake up every morning with regret I can’t even look my at myself in the fucking mirror anymore I hate myself for what I did.
So at this point I’ve almost been on subs straight for about 5 months even thought I just decided to the doctor about 3 weeks ago. Time is flying. sometimes I just want to die when I think about it too much and plot how I’m gonna get right again so at times it seems easier to just wake up and do my subs and go about my day but eventually it does catch up with you like it did the first time I tried to do this before my biggest worst relapse of all and I can’t help but think I’m heading in that direction if I continue to do this. I also didn’t mention that in the beginning of these five months of sub usage I was taking a minimal dose and now I’m up to about six to eight mgs and I also asked to asshole doc to give me subutex thinking he would say no and of course he said yes and of course I’m snorting them because a sun is a sub to me even though I know this method is probably more detrimental to me and my future.
All I know is I’m filled with regret on a daily basis as soon as my head gets off the pillow and I’m pretty lost.. I could lose my girl, my place, and my job…all the things I got back 1 year into being clean .. it was like after I got that year it wasn’t as important to me.. I had a goal and that was to be over a year clean by my 30th birthday and I was 1 year and 6 months clean by my 30th bday. Sadly I ruined everything bc I’m fuck up. I’m pretty lost and any advice you could give me I’d appreciate it…
Also it’s important to note that my gf and I have been having problems on both ends and same thing with my job and my father. But I love my girl and I she has stuck with me this long so I don’t think I need to necessarily let her go(she might let me go first) but I do think to get clean and stay clean I have to start all over agin and this would be the third job I went on medical leave with and I’m scared what the future holds it’s not like I have a path or. Direction I really want to go in I mean I like sports and I like Exercing so maybe I need to find a way to monetize that
What do you think? Please, I need as much advice as I get on this this is a really crucial moment life as I don’t think I’ll be able to live with the regret if I contiNue to take subs. Last time they eventually left me in despair feeling stuck and I’m afraid this time around it’s gonna be even worse and I’m not gonna be able to handle it and I’m really gonna fall of the deep end and maybe even do something really bad that really ruins my life and then I might just have to kill myself
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